Trusting the Unknown

Six years ago, prompted by some strange urge, I set out on a long road trip, going from Texas to Vermont via the Pacific Northwest. I wasn't prepared, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't have enough money, I didn't feel safe. It was on this trip that I visited Oregon for the first time. After spending a day in Portland, I drove to the coast and spent the afternoon at Fort Stevens National Park. I walked up and down the beach for hours, filled with awe and urgency. Awe at the vastness of that mysterious place. The light and the curving of the horizon made me feel like I was inside a snow globe. I felt urgency about my life, what I wanted, what I was afraid of wanting, and what I didn't even know was possible to want. I could sense within myself the potential for a different life, a deeper sense of fulfillment, a firmer foundation. 

Now, six years later, I got the opportunity to visit this mysterious place one more time. It seemed fitting as I am about to step into a new unknown, bringing to an end the cycle that started in 2009. This time, as I walked the same deserted, almost ominous beach, I felt that which I so desired to feel the first time. I was struck by a feeling of arrival and disbelief at how perfectly my anticipation and desires were fulfilled.

In hindsight, it seems so simple, so obvious. Of course I was going to come to this, of course I was going to achieve this state of presence and embodiment. It was always there. The only thing that was missing was trust. Trust in my own wisdom, trust that the urgency I was feeling was not a sign of absence or incompleteness but an affirmation of direction. Trust that the path was already perfectly laid out before me, and I couldn't help but walk on it. Trust that the fulfillment of my deepest desires was inevitable. In fact, what I imagined as the fulfillment of my desires pales in comparison to what actually came to pass. 

So as I leap into the unknown once again, leaving for South America with no return ticket, I remind myself that:

  1. The intense process of transition is humbling and offers its own wisdom which is easy to miss if the response to it is anxiety and doubt.
  2. Trust is the only requirement. There is nothing I have to make happen. The intricate flow of life is the natural state of being and always seeks the most beneficial resolution.
  3. I need to challenge my imagination, knowing that the wildest desire will still pale in comparison to what will manifest (provided that the first two steps are in place).