I sit on my bed meditating, a cup of coffee in my lap. I scan my body, encountering the familiar sensations. The pulse starting in my heart and echoing through the body. The expanding and relaxing of lungs. The stretching and softening of skin. The weight and texture of my thoughts. Everything as it should be. And yet, I am not the same. As I scan the events of the past few days I try to see where the shift occurred.
I arrived in Buenos Aires five days ago. The first 48 hours the dominant impulse in my body was to crawl into a corner and cry. I wasn't prepared, I didn't have what it takes, I couldn't. Everything in me cringed, contracted and I longed for the comfort of my previous home. The sensations were so overwhelming, it was difficult not to collapse. Lurking in the background was the reminder that I am actually here to complete a project. Did I even remember what I proposed to do?
So at some point I did the only thing that made sense, the only thing that promised some sort of reprieve and understanding. I sat down with a cup of coffee, I closed my eyes, and I waited. What was it that I was experiencing? What was the nature of this fear? It didn't take long for the insight to arise. I realized I was clutching my life in Portland, my identity, my connections to that place. And the attachment to that was creating expectations for my present. I felt pressure to achieve, to earn, to recreate the same thing so that my immediate identity didn't have to change, didn't have to face the unknown, the void.
As this insight clarified, the impulse to trust and let go arose almost without any effort. I had been in this place before, my body knew the process. As I allowed myself to relax into the unknown, everything quieted and I began to feel the creative potential of the new things that are coming. It felt sweet. The days that followed have been filled with surprises, beautiful new connections, brilliant insights, rich experiences, and a bursting of ideas. The lesson seems to always be the same, even though it appears in different forms. Ground into the body, find stillness within, trust the flow.