A Peek Inside

Ideas take a long time to develop. Most of them don't survive, they get swept away before they have a chance to take root. But once some do take root, they have to survive a lengthy gestation process, filled with inner conflict, doubt, and fear. To actually follow through on the original idea, to trust it to grow and evolve, to be flexible and open to change in response to the idea's development is a rigorous process that takes a long time to figure out. Since I have been In Buenos Aires, my inner space has been occupied with this one task in which it feels like my very being is at stake. In this entry I decided to share, in a somewhat chronological fashion, the various loose ends which are slowly beginning to tie themselves together into a more legible whole. My various thoughts and fragments of thoughts written across a number of journals, sketchbooks, and devices are accompanied by images of one of my paintings which I began in September and just finished this week.

9/8/2015

Not sure which way is up anymore. Don’t know what is right, what is sure, where the ground is. Don’t know whether to feel sad or angry, don’t know if I am going to survive this, don’t know how to care. Nothing makes sense. I wonder what is going to happen and what is going to carry me through it.

10/18/2015

  • Being a channel for experiencing consciousness
  • Consciousness is not an isolated event/experience, it occurs through contact, through relating to another
  • I want to expand consciousness in order to occupy multiple dimensions
  • Consciousness is embodied and being embodied is a multi-dimensional experience
  • Body becoming conscious
  • Studying the process of embodiment; the body recognizing itself
  • Embodiment is a multi-dimensional event and I usually occupy one dimension at a time. Physical contact, dance, sex, creativity are processes that require me to occupy multiple dimensions. It is not that the mind has to multitask, it is more that what I call “I” comes from a different place in the brain. The rules are completely different in this space and to the regular state of mind it is baffling.
  • There is an event happening inside of me and then there is a movement, there is a mark, then there is observation of the mark, a registering of the event. All of this happening simultaneously.
  • Identity is spread out, it reaches far, encompassing everything

 

10/25/2015

Why consciousness? Why be conscious, what’ the purpose? Everything is going to go on with or without it, I don’t actually have to be aware. It is about the pleasure of being the source of something, to experience creating, being the source of creation.

 

11/15/2015

Folds of skin/fat

Limbs

Landscape

Topography

Activation/Penetration

 

12/5/2015

Tracking the stages of body awakening to itself.

Intention: To learn about the self, the body, the biological drive to be here, to understand what is already here; to approach the body like something unknown and to approach another body as something unknown, miraculous.

12/19/2015

  • Earth/Body/Root/Matter.
  • my body - tectonic plates
  • I move like the earth. Joints, bones, all mimicking the restlessness of the earth, the constant churning within. Constant motion under the surface. One only has to put the ear to the surface to hear, to feel the throbbing.
  • To move and be moved, to reflect on consciousness, on the ability to think, to reason with (utilizing) the body
  • The body as an instrument of/for consciousness
  • Consciousness is the body, does not exist separate from the body; the very process of thinking is my biology moving under the surface, cells, neurons, everything vibrating with activity, awakening, reading. As the cells become conscious, so do I become more aware.
  • When I feel good it is because my cells feel good. When I don’t feel energetic, it is because my cells are lacking in energy. Such a simple concept, but there are all these small ways that I deny my own physicality. These insights right now are my brain firing in a particular way, pathways, new grooves forming and the final result of that process are these words.

12/24/2015

  • body/landscape/earth/organismness
  • organism digesting experiences
  • boundaries of experience
  • I help others by becoming stronger within myself, coming into focus, affirming internally
  • What is the boundary that I feel is limiting me?
  • Gender
  • I want to re-connect to, re-member, myself as an organism and observe/learn about/understand my behavior, desire, and repulsion as characteristics of being a biological being
  • Translating culture into biology
  • Organism: biological/cellular/parasitic/animalistic/technological
  • Body as a mediation site; body’s language and mode of communication is movement
  • Argentine tango is the playing field where the most dynamic aspects of biology and culture play themselves out. It is both liberating ad restrictive, empowering and submissive. I choose to see it as an opportunity to shape shift my identity. Tango allows me to see my identity as malleable. Even though it is very restrictive, I am able to define and feel the boundaries between different dimensions of my identity and how my body wants to express itself.

 

12/25/2015

  • movement as the process of evolution; the body articulating itself in order to adapt
  • organism - movement - gender - language

12/26/2015

  • Studying the organism
  • I imagine myself waking up for the first time in my body. Feeling the skin like a glove. Feeling the world on the other side of the glove as well as the inside surface of the glove.

1/2/2016

  • Every body is a landscape. By dancing with another’s body I get to experience a new topography. I record with my body, engraving, imprinting, and then I translate into drawing/painting/video/etc.