The other day a friend of mine shared her new year's resolution with me and then of course, she asked me what mine was. I couldn't answer. Not because I didn't have one but because I didn't know the words for it. I felt it, I saw examples of it, I could recognize it, but I couldn't really articulate it.
2016 was a big year for me, pieces of my life began to fall into place, all of the sacrifices, all of the pilgrimages were revealing their lessons. I finally came to feel, as clearly as I feel the movement of my arm, as clearly as I feel someone's embrace around me...
I learned that I can connect with my body to such an extent as to consciously, fully, heal from injury. I learned that it is possible to experience and consciously, fully, heal from painful emotions and past traumas. I began to experience the flow of my thoughts as something that didn’t just happen automatically, the bursting of emotions not as an accident, but that...
I had the ability to curate the contents of my mind and heart in each moment.
I found the quiet, powerful, beautiful inner core from which I could mold, craft, arrange, and play my life according to the purest, deepest desires.
I understood that desire drives everything and that the more I give into, learn from, experience, explore desire in all of its shapes and sizes the more empowered, effective, and happy, I am as a human being.
In 2016 I transformed the sorrow of loneliness into a deep love of solitude. I began to follow the natural flow of life instead of anxiously working towards an urgent future. I decided to give up and let go of control and let my desires inform my experience.
So the resolution for which I am having a hard time finding words, has something to do with this...
To choose to enjoy everything a little too much.
In fact, to find out if there is such a thing as enjoying something too much. Can I find even more enjoyment in the beautiful company of my friends? In the quiet walk to my favorite coffee shop? In the smell of cologne?
What if I smile a little too broadly when I like someone?
What if I lift my arms up a little higher when I dance because it just feels so damn good to move to music?
What if I laugh a little bit louder?
Make even more inappropriate facial expressions when I eat a fat piece of cheesecake? What if I compliment someone too much, just because it feels so good to see someone's face light up?
What if I have deep, intentional appreciation for a really bad sandwich, bad traffic, bad weather, bad politics, bad prices, bad coffee, bad sex...
What if I enjoy being myself too much?
Think too highly of myself, my appearance, my abilities, my performance? What if I fall even in more love with myself... even deeper, even more flamboyantly, more obvious, louder, crazier, the most intense over the top kind of love that we all fantasize about…